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| This is a revised version of an email I wrote tonight to a couple people who are really close to my heart, but I'd like to share the same sentiments with the other people who are important in my life, as well as anyone else who is interested to hear it and take a moment to pray for my friend... and to this said friend, girl, I love you with all my heart and wish I were there for you... I'm sorry.
I just found out tonight that my friend's dad passed away a couple
months ago, and through a note she posted on facebook nonetheless...
I'm having a hard time with this..
I met this friend almost 4 years ago
when we both did service work with habitat for humanity and went to
Costa Rica together to build a house later that year. I remember and
cherish her for being one of the kindest, most genuine and selfless
people I've ever met, and she continues to awe and inspire me in her
strength and abounding love for people, no matter who the person, or
what challenges and obstacles come her way. I still vividly remember
her opening my heart on that habitat trip and earnestly wanting to know
about me, and she's one of the few people at that time in my life that
I was able to confide in and share the painful aspects of my personal
and family life with when it was still raw and poignantly hurtful, and
she helped me feel at peace for it. I still remember how she sat in the
back of the van with me and prayed for me that night I opened up to
her, and she has continued to ask me about my family and my wellbeing
since then whenever the chance has ever arisen, which of late have been
few and far between.. but I know she's kept my story and struggles in
her heart and she remembers to think about and pray for me..
I read her note about her father's passing tonight and my
heart sank, and I started crying.. I've spent the last couple hours
crying, with my mom comforting me and praying for her and her family
with me. The saddest part for me wasn't that her father passed.. Yes,
it was a shock and that's the first thing that made me sad. But she is
a much stronger Christian than I am, as is her father and apparently a
reformed one, and she's expressed comfort in knowing that her father
has passed on to heaven and she'll meet him there, and for that and the
peace that brings her now I am incredibly grateful. But the thing that
saddened me the most was the fact that I had no idea her father passed
til now, how incredibly difficult and painful that must have been for
her to say goodbye to him and see him finally cross over, and that my
shortcomings as a friend to her prevented me from being there for her
at one of the most difficult points in her life. It actually feels a
little selfish, that I cried more for being a poor friend than her
father's passing, but the thought of only now realizing something she's
had to face and struggle with for two months already, and how heavy
and mournful that must have been for her breaks my heart, and I am so
so sorry for it...
I can remember the last time I really spoke with her, our last
phone call was more than two years ago... and being as selfless as she
is, she mostly asked about my life and how I was getting through
things, as I was still going through some personal issues. When I asked
about her life, she told me she was worried for her father and that he
wasn't in the best of health, and yet she sounded so strong and hopeful... If I
remember correctly she is the youngest child in her family, but even apart from that her
father was relatively old, and I think one of the hardest
things for her when she first left home for college was leaving her
father behind and not knowing if he'd still be there when she returned
next. I remember her talking about having the least amount of
time on earth with her father of her siblings, and wishing they
could have more years together. Thankfully she braved it and crossed
the country to follow her dreams, figure out who she is, and find God. After that she graduated from Harvard in my original class of 2005, returned home to spend time and take care of her family,
and mentor struggling young girls, giving them encouragement and
sisterly support to have hope, to want to better themselves, and to
find faith. She's gone on to do brave and wonderful things, doing God's work and I'm sure
spreading love, joy, and compassion for people that you would never
think is possible in one person, and yet she will proclaim that God
does that for her and she's blessed. I can genuinely say that she is one of my heroes, and I
truly and utterly respect and admire her. All the more reason why I'm
so heartbroken that I've neglected to be a better friend for someone
who's so genuinely cared for me, and failed her in one of the hardest of
times.. I can never make up for that, but I hope to rectify being a
lesser friend.
My heart is still heavy and sad for her, though I'm not
sure I need to be since her father is in a better place, other than as
a way to absolve my own guilt. But if you find it in your heart to have
a moment and think about her or pray for her, I'm sure she'd be really
grateful..
This also hit home for me because my mother is also struggling with the prospect of her parents passing away, as they are both very old, and my grandmother is extremely ill in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's and has been permanently hospitalized for over a year now. Before her hospitalization, my grandfather had never spent a single day apart from her since they were married, they had an incredibly loving relationship, and he is now feeling utterly alone and empty without her... He is subsisting now, but we are worried that once my grandmother passes, if not before, he will pass away from the sadness and pain of losing her. Moreover, it breaks my heart when my mother prays for them and cries out of remorse and fear that my grandmother may pass away without ever knowing God and she might not reunite with her in heaven one day... I want to believe that God is a just and loving God, and there's still hope for my grandmother as well as my grandfather, and that my mother who is just about the most selfless and God-loving person I know can be afforded that comfort of knowing her parents are in good hands and will cross over safely. I thank God for my friend that she was afforded that comfort and peace of mind and heart.
To my friend, forgive me for not having been a better friend, and thank you for being such a wonderful one, to me and countless other people you have given yourself to, you are truly an inspiration and a fighter, and I love that about you. I wish there were more people like you in the world, and that others were lucky enough to know someone like you and witness a living example of someone so courageous and loving for God.
And to those people who are in my life, I am eternally thankful and appreciative for having wonderful friends and being surrounded by people who are truly amazing and inspiring, God bless you for taking the time and having the heart for others...
Love in Him,
Diane
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| I get a lot of questions from my guy friends, both hypothetical and real... and the more I hear these scenarios or stories, the more I realize women can be just as screwed up, demented, cruel, nonchalant, bizarre, sleezy, and heartless as we often complain guys are or stereotyped to be...
Ladies (and guys), let's try and be more decent and considerate of people and our male or female counterparts, shall we?
This was another example of one of my male friends telling me about a potential interest, only to find out she probably needs to sort out some issues (that in this case strangely rang a bitter or at least unpleasant chord for him)...
J: so
J: here's an interesting dilemma
J: you'll love it
me: ok...
J: nice girl, we're becoming friends right
J: just found out that she dated this guy for 6 years. Then broke up with him when he proposed in march
J: but she says "we're still friends, though the poor guy is not taking it well"
J: could i ever go out with someone like that?
me: oh man....
me: and did she explain why she broke up with him?
J: i'm inclined to say no
J: she said she wasn't ready to be married
J: i feel like it's something that should have been clearly talked out before the guy put himself out there and consequently got dumped
me: umm...
me: i dunno, it sounds weird
me: and i can't even imagine what you felt or what went through your head when she said that
me: that's kinda fucked up...
me: and why stay with the guy for 6 years if she didn't feel that way about him?
J: that's what I'm saying
me: what was it, convenient til he proposed?
me: i don't really follow...
J: and why did she break up with him
me: seems like a fucking waste of time to me
me: and stupid
J: i mean
J: she could have just made it a long engagement, or put the proposal on ice
me: right...
J: it feels like she knew she didn't love him for a long time and just sorta found herself back against the wall and it was no longer, as you said, convenient
I know relationships can be hard or complicated, but some of the
measures people take, or rather don't take, seem absurd and
unnecessary. And what's become of the meaning of a relationship? Why do
we take so lightly or treat so carelessly the potential for real
connections with people in our lives, of those who truly love or care
for us? I'm not sure God intended on people being so broken, flawed,
and weak.. maybe we did that to ourselves... and again this brings back
the question of seeing significance to relationships through Him and
what we aim to get out of them.
In this particular case, I
guess my friend and I are both taking the liberty to make our
judgements (which I generally try not to make, but we all inevitably do
to some degree). And maybe my saying all of this is harsh, insensitive,
or biased -- though as a supportive and sympathetic friend -- after all I've only heard one side of the story... I'm
probably also just fed up with people who are selfish or careless in
relationships. But it's hard to dispute that something wasn't right
here, and someone got hurt or wronged (or maybe had his ass saved..
just 6 years too long down the road). Either way, it seems our lady friend here might need to reconsider or get her priorities
straight...
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| I've spent this past weekend in Cambridge, and it's been such a great and interesting visit... I have to thank my old roommates, CamNat coworkers (especially Corey and Emily!), Adiari, Colin, Ann, Mike, Angela, Jessie, Tina, Hytham, Soto, Manny, and of course Ryan for making it such an awesome visit... It's made me that much more grateful and appreciative of my amazing friends, thank you guys so much for all the fun, food, and drinks! Or just plain running into me and grabbing my attention :P
On a more personal note, I went to church with Tina on Sunday, and it was surprisingly relevant to my life... The pastor talked about promises, what it means to make them and keep them, both to people and to God. God keeps His promises to us, despite our own delusions or perceptions we might impose on the way things work in our lives, but how often do we make promises to God or remember to keep them?
There are two major promises made to God that I can think of which are relevant to my life. One promise my mother made for me as a child, dedicating my life to God as His servant... and it makes me wonder how much I am obligated to fulfill that promise in theory if at all. But given that I feel I should be making that same promise (though I'm still questioning that) to what extent do her ideas or perceptions of what that means apply? Do I bear that responsibility to keep such a promise?
The other promise is one I made recently after a difficult and extremely painful end to a
relationship that took turns I didn't foresee or expect, and God made
some things very clear to me which I was blind to previously, He saved
me. It's a promise I failed to keep before, but intend on keeping this
time around as difficult as it might prove to be... but thinking about
it makes me question my desire or will power to keep that promise, and
it reminds me that there are some things that I can only truly do in
Him and accomplish with His help and strength, without Him I am weak.
The other interesting point the pastor made about promises relates to marriages. Why do marriages, or better yet relationships, fall apart? When we recite "to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and cherish til death...", when we make a religious marriage vow we also make a promise to God to love that person as God loves us to the best of our ability. But when we fail to keep those promises, to cherish and be considerate and forgiving of our significant others, our relationships also fail. My parents had their differences, as I did with my ex, that is inevitable between any two people, but moreover those relationships also failed fundamentally because at least one person severely broke a number of promises.. to respect, consider, and ultimately be faithful to the other person. Additionally, a vow made isn't just to the other person, but also to God, and breaking such a promise to God has its consequences. In the last couple years, I'm only now beginning to better appreciate the significance and value of a relationship from a spiritual and religious stand point, and how incredibly meaningful and strengthening that can be. But also, the experiences of my parents, my friends, and myself in relationships and the incredible destruction and pain that comes with breaking those promises also make the importance of faithfulness and the sanctity of marriage that much more apparent to me, and why all of this is so necessary. Additionally, it isn't enough that I follow these principles or views on relationships or marriage, I had to learn that the hard way, it's just as important that the person I choose as a potential life partner understand, respect, and share these values as well as a basis or foundation for a long-term relationship. And everything God does and asks of us has meaning and purpose, whether I initially understand it or not, and I'm still learning to fully appreciate that.
On a different but somewhat related note, I am also inspired by and incredibly thankful for my friend Joy, whom I admire, respect and love for being as beautiful as she is, inside and out, through God.
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| patient to george:
"Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way. Believe me, son. Living with a woman who can't love you back? Way lonelier than being alone..."
i heard this and i realized, that's what it is, that feeling. loving someone who can't seem to really love you back... it's painful and feels so much worse than just being alone and not having that person at all, and it's a horrible way to live. everyone deserves to feel loved..
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| Nobody can.
We can mobilize and make this happen! Help eradicate the most
prevalent and preventable problem in developing areas around the
world... starting here and now:
http://www.globalgiving.com/pr/1700/proj1667a.html
In the summer of 2007, four Harvard graduates will go to Costa Rica to
work with their partners in a community to eradicate the persistent and
preventable problem of access to clean drinking water. We hope to
create a model for global engagement for students and their partner
communities across the world. Please help us take this first step.
Click the link to find out more!
We are launching a water sanitation project for Jazmín, a really underserved community
in Costa Rica where they're in dire need of clean water and a
functional and sustainable water system and initiative. The community
consists of mostly Nicaraguan refugees and majority women and children,
and they are constantly suffering issues of water-borne diseases and
parasites introduced into their already contaminated water by swine
waste. Overall this is all compounded by the intense poverty, lack of
education and public health measures, underemployment, drugs and
alcohol, malnourishment, and HIV. We want to start by addressing the
most basic, treatable and preventable problem afflicting this community.
These are the children of the town of Jazmín, the individuals worst hit
by a lack of access to safe drinking water. Worldwide, over two million
children die annually from preventable and treatable water-related
illnesses. Millions others remain ill for months.
The country is one of stark contrast; some of the best health and
education systems in Latin America, but not reaching all of its
citizens. However, it is also a promising environment with many
opportunities to engage these challenges.
Despite a well-staffed clinic, with full support from FIMRC and
countless international volunteers, the population still suffers from a
lack of access to safe drinking water while saturating the clinic's
capacity.
The geography of the community is an important factor in addressing
the challenges faced by the people of Jazmín. Here you can see houses
on the hill, with the pig farm in the distant top.
The area where water collects and flows down to Jazmín is downstream
of a pig farm, the root of many ailments for this and surrounding
communities.
Putting this project together has been
an incredible challenge, and we've come along way, but the largest
hurdle we have yet to overcome is the necessary funding.
Our project beat out hundreds of other proposals at the International Youth Volunteerism Summit this past Feb., and is now featured at Global Giving please encourage anyone and everyone you
might know to do so as well, every amount however big or small really
helps! The polls close March 21st, at which point only the top TWO projects get to stay on the website for a chance to obtain full
funding, so this is crucial!
Please help us win this competition and
raise the necessary funds to make this happen! You can help by reading
the enclosed materials and committing to partner with us by supporting
our project with a financial contribution. Please consider giving what
you can, any gift no matter how small or big goes a long way! You can
make this contribution online on our page at the Global Giving website:
http://www.globalgiving.com/pr/1700/proj1667a.html
Our deadline for the competition is March 21, 2007, so time is very much of the essence!
We ask that you take the time to look at
what we are trying to accomplish, and consider the impact we can make
together, both in saving lives and improving the basic living
conditions so desperately needed for the people of Jazmín, and also in creating a
replicable model for viable and sustainable development in other
underserved communities around the world.
For further information about the community we aim to serve and FIMRC, our partner organization, please visit:
www.fimrc.org or http://www.fimrc.org/projects_alajuelita.php.
Thank you for supporting this cause, and for your generous and compassionate gift to the people of
Jazmín!!
Gratefully,
Diane
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